We all have our internal emotional barometers. Our emotions are our truth tellers. However many of us are either disconnected from our emotional body or we prefer to ignore them because we don’t want to hear the message. They might be too scary, too painful or just don’t quite make sense in the logical way. One of my hot spots from time to time (although it used to be more frequent than I’d like to admit) is resentment. I would carry my metaphorical ledger around and keep tabs on what people did or did not do. I would carry my martyr-like woe is me attitude around with great pride. In my early thirites, resentment began to take over. The message in early childhood that I received, “turn the other cheek” backfired. Even though I still presented with that smile on my face, internally I was miserable. With time and deep work I slowly began to learn that whenever I was experiencing resentment I was in reality not taking care of myself and/or not speaking my truth. At this time I started to really listen to the messages I carried around and looked for hints that resentment was brewing. My physical cue is heat. I start to feel warm from head to toe. My mind occupies thoughts such as, “it must be nice……….to have alone time………….to sleep in………………to have an endless wardrobe…………..to have an apartment in NYC, etc. etc. etc.” In the past I would stay put in the heat and victim thinking and remain stuck. Now I see it as a major call to take action. To me resentment is saying wake up! It’s time to speak up, make a change and move your ass. A hot topic for me these days is alone time. I will not lie. For most of the summer I have often complained (crown of thorns on my head) that I don’t get alone time. Looking back (with embarrassment) I was telling everybody, probably even strangers, that I just don’t get any time alone. Internally begging for you to feel sorry for me. And then it hit me. I have to step in to my power place, put my thinking cap on and get creative. I have to make the change. The universe will not do it for me. I have to put effort in to what I want. The solution was much easier than I’d like to admit as well. I was going to bed with our kids and waking up with them. The solution…….. I am getting up two hours before my children (and going to bed earlier). Now I am checking/returning emails, writing, meditating, contemplating my day,going to the bathroom in peace, having my coffee and eating breakfast. And when my darlings wake up I greet them with energy and enthusiasm. I am also a lot more organized! Of course my children are responding and are more peaceful and serene. Going back to……”it must be nice to sleep in” is the cue that nudges me to create a scenerio where that can happen by either asking my husband on a day he does not have to get to work, hiring a sitter to come over, asking a family member or friend to support my request or treat myself to a hotel overnight. Although the endless wardrobe and New York City might feel big to me now, I can start moving towards this by purchasing one small item a week at an inexpensive place or visit the sale racks. I can also create a vision board of New York City and start a mini savings account for my future apartment. And like magic, the resentment disappears.
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