Many years ago I was introduced to a life changing book entitled, “Grandchildren of Alcoholics” by Ann W. Smith. Like all good books I eventually put it on the shelf, lent it out several times and was convinced that it was one of the many books that never found its way back to me. So I was shocked to discover the book in my office a few weeks back. When the reader is ready, the book appears and so I spent the next week fully absorbed. A bit embarrassed to admit to anyone that this is what I was doing with my Friday night. I was surprised by how new the book felt to me. In many ways it felt like a different read. Now that I am a parent, older, married longer and more seasoned as a life coach/therapist, the message resonated on a much deeper level. It felt current and yet it was published in 1988.
Twenty five years later Ann W. Smith continues to be a powerful figure in the addictions field (she also looks younger, the 80’s was such a hair fashion disaster!) but in my limited research appears to have dropped the subject related to grandchildren of alcoholics ( I plan on emailing her to discover if this is indeed true). In fact the book is out of print (however you can get it on Amazon for 99 cents). I was really surprised to discover in a quick search online that no one else seems to have written about or researched this unique group. Please prove me wrong!
Until then, I am making it my mission to blog about patterned characteristics that Grandchildren of Alcoholics carry so that these often “closeted” individuals may learn they are not alone and that there are things they can do to change the deeply ingrained patterns of their roots. Both my grandmothers were alcoholics. Although I never met them, the way they parented my parents carried the generational characteristics found in active alcoholic homes.
So why are GCoA’s (grandchildren of alcoholics) so closeted? Why aren’t there books? More extensive research? Perhaps it’s because of the pain associated with alcoholism. Many grandchildren aren’t even aware their grandparents were alcoholics. GCoA’s parents are often vague about their growing up years, minimize the pain of their childhood and live with the intention that they do not have any need or desire to revisit their history. If an individual has little info about their background it can be indicative of trauma. Often GCoA’s know internally/intuitively that something doesn’t feel right about their family history but often can’t quite put their finger on it. Many of these individuals do not feel justified in their pain and current life problems and therefore do not seek help. Some GCoA’s are very aware of the pain their parents carry, know they are true surivors and so minimize their own struggles saying things like, “my parents had it so much worse than me,” or “my parents sacrificed their entire life for my happiness and so I should be happy.”
I share the concern with Smith that this unidentified group is hurting in silence. Even after skipping a generation and despite the fact that problem drinking may not be an issue anymore, there remains a family system that has become very skilled at adapting to dysfuntion and has no tools with which to cope with a lack of crises. Therefore, a crisis is quickly recreated with new addictions or compulsions, physical and/or emotional illness or even relapse in an effort to maintain the status quo (Smith, 1988).
So here are just a few characteristics that grandchildren of alcoholics carry as stated by Ms. Smith.
Distorted Family Image
Unable to see anything wrong in their family of origin, despite evidence to the contrary.
Often rave about how good their childhood was, while they themselves are dysfunctional as adults.
Have trouble attributing any of their present difficulties to their family background.
Tend to be positively deluded with “rose- colored” glasses and does not notice dysfunction or insanity around them.
Accustomed to living in two realities, an inside one and and an outside one and no longer trust their own instincts.
Can smile and say things are great when they are really hurting inside.
Learned ability to ignore pain.
Are often surrounded with people in crisis and believe they are unaffected by it.
Do not seek help because they believe they do not have a problem.
In their intimate relationships grandchildren may find themselves taking the role of the “all together” one who others depend upon.
Can appear arrogant or superior and find themselves isolated because they look “too good.”
In their marriages GCoAs may be overly defensive about their families, unwilling to admit to even the slight human flaws.
So this is just a beginning sketch. I would love to hear your thoughts. I plan on diving in to this very important topic (in my opinion) with future blogs posts.
I am a grandchild of an alcoholic. Their alcoholism was not noticed by me or discussed by anyone. I am an alcoholic. The beginning stages of acceptance for me was ultimately discovering the people in my family who also suffered from this disease, several of which found healing in Alcoholics Anonymous. Having found this out… There was a switch that went off in my head that said, “you come by this honestly Shawn, and there appears to be as solution to your immense suffering.” Silence=Death. I am ten years sober today.
HI,
I’m searching this topic online b/c my daughter is a 35 year old grandchild of my parents who were both alcoholics. By brother and sister also. I took the ‘alternative medicine’ route, and know I have ‘issues’ but at least am willing to work on them. I think I need al-anon b/c I feel she has inherited/learned all alcoholic behaviors, somehow, without the alcohol. “Poor me”, drama queen, disempowered and it’s wearing me out , and I fear for her emotional and mental stability (not to mention financial, etc.) She is gorgeous, physical health minded, but believes that $ is the only thing she needs. Toxic emotional crashes every now and again. She does not seem to fit your description of Gcof A, at all. Any other feedback?
I am a grandchild of an alcoholic I made a decision at.5 I would either get married never divorce or never get married. My mother is that a typical I look sane but I’m really a flipping nutcase at home. I use to smoke marijuana I stopped. I don’t drink for fear of ever turning into an alcoholic. My family is insane I’ve known this since I was 5 I’m now mid twenties and it’s like they stop me from doing better. I am now looking into fixing my life to be a healthy person as I have a daughter who is 6. Do I just leave them alone? My family I mean. A big part of me feels this is ultimately the only solution. I would like some help and can surely provide stories and info for your blog.
Hi, my father is an ACoA and I read so much stuff about it. Often he recreates drama of his ‘Home’. I believe that my older sister is parentified by him cause he acts as if he is younger than his own children. Since he desperately needs unconditional love he lacked in his childhood, he constantly strives for attention from us. And it is exhausting. When he dries our attention out, he will create drama and chaos to gain more of attention, a narcissistic supply, just like his alcoholic father did with his drinking. He believes that he has no issues since he doesn’t drink. I needed to make better boundaries, limit my contact with him cause he creates the same ‘attention black hole’ in me. He would do anything to froze current family image, why my sister and I have no romantic relationships and we are adults around 35. Thanks
My brief marriage to an alcoholic resulted in my Mom telling me (I am 50!) that my Grandfather abused alcohol. She is a *Social Worker* and has worked with addicted populations, but never thought that it might be a piece of information that might be valuable to her children…even after my brother had two failed marriages in less than 5 years. So now, with my own 20-month marriage on the rocks, I finally have finally have a framework to try and work on my own issues. I have found this article to be highly enlightening as a starting place, and now my counselor and I can begin the process of addressing *my* co-dependency issues.
https://scriptamus.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/what-about-the-family-the-adult-children-of-alcoholics-co-dependent-story/
This is an old post but I’m digging for information about this topic. My dad’s parents were both alcoholics and although I never met either of them it cast a shadow over our family that I’m trying to understand better. My dad turned to religion to fix (or cover up) his problems and was very rigid and controlling. In his mind religion was the only answer to the chaos he had grown up with and unfortunately there was little or no attempt at connection among our family members outside of participating in religion together. I realize a lot of this is typical of children of alcoholics and I’m trying to understand how it’s affected my ways of being in relationships as I see myself not always knowing how to have healthy, mutual, non-controlling relationships. I will have to find a copy of this book.
My father is the son of an alcoholic father. He doesn’t believe that having to cover for his drunk father as a 9 year old had any negative effect on him. I think he would feel disloyal in saying he suffered in any way.
Now he believes he has to cover for my alcoholic brother who at 50, has been dependent on my parents his whole life.
I am beginning to think, as the oldest child, that there are role-reversal and over- responsibility issues that I am dealing with myself.
I spent many painful years mulling over – with no answer – why my childhood family was so dysfunctional, even though we seemed to be the model family growing up. I finally googled “grandchildren of alcoholics,” found her book, and her writing just made sense to me. My childhood family is very fractured today – we’re not close, yet I can’t imagine having a conversation with any of them admitting this. About 20 years ago, I felt it necessary to establish physical and mental distance from all my family members – any alternative was too painful. It was helpful to read that children of alcoholics rarely heal completely – my mother never healed at the basic level, even with her extensive therapy and training as an addictions therapist. My main question now is where does the alcoholic buck actually stop for me? I’m asking because I’m cautiously optimistic that my current family – wife and kids 9 and 11 – is quite happy and healthy.
I also made difficult decisions to step back from my family as I became aware of the essential compromises I would have to make to stay connected. Your questions is so poignant to me. How many generations will it take before the water no longer remembers the stone throne in the pond? Surely it is far better to be purposeful in this struggle than casual. God bless you as you heal and lay a foundation for the future.
It desperately sucks knowing instinctively that something is wrong, that something is hiding behind the half-hearted smiles and the melancholy, but unless someone is willing to feel the pain and talk it out and walk it through it will never go away.
I had three alcoholic grandparents. My parents talked about how horrible it was for them growing. Both my parents felt they were making a different life for us by not drinking. Both turned to religion. My dad was always on the go trying to do good works and my mom turned to food and tv for comfort. I never understood why my life felt so completely chaotic. You could cut the shame and guilt in the house with the chainsaw. It took me decades to understand, even if the substance wasnt there, all the attitudes, low sense of self and warped perspectives of alcoholism was still very present. It almost creates an even more insane feeling because my parents just removed the alcohol and kept all the sick ways of thinking about themselves and by extention us. No one ever felt good enough. And nothing you could do was good enough. Acceptance of self for who you are was unheard of.
I’m very grateful for the help that’s out there that exposes this sick stuff for what it is.
Christina, Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. You seem to have a lot of awareness and a birds eye view of your parents. Many ACoA’s do not share their background with their children nor do they name the pain associated with it. The fact that your parents can name it and speak of the pain is a huge strength. They didn’t give you what you needed and you were/are exposed to unhealthy dynamics and yet they did the best they could with the few tools they had. I am curious about your own healing. I found therapy and going to Al-anon hugely helpful. I was a bit embarrassed about going to Al-anon at first because I did not have an active addict in my life at the time and I never even knew my grandparents. But everyone was lovely and accepting. Melody Beattie has been my go to author and I continue to actively work on my own issues related to shame and codependency. Have you ever shared your perspective and concerns with your parents?
Christiana,
Thank you so much for sharing! I can relate to the zero alcohol in my house yet all of the “dry alcohol symptoms” were still there (as i would learn/understand MUCH later in life).
The control, the worry when the other shoe would drop, the feeling of never being good enough, the lack of emotional awareness on the adults’ parts for themselves, the lack of ability to help a child explore their own emotions, the drama from a parent to gain attention since that was their nterpretation of “love”, the other parent’s codependency issues manifested by making excuses for the drama. In turn, teaching children that drama-type actions were “normal”. Additionally, placing the emotional blame on the child. For example, “You kids make your ____(mother/father) so upset with how you act.” . Again, teaching the child that they are responsible for the emotions of others. This list can go on and on. Oh, forgot the good-ol’ gaslighting when attempting to confront them on past incidents.
My point is.. thank you for sharing and you are NOT alone. Alcoholism really is in part a disease of emotions! If you havent explored Alanon, if may be a healing and helpful safe place. It has changed MY LIFE not only in my family dynamics, but in work, relationships, and general interactions.
Much love!!